Survive

Photo by Nick Scheerbart on Unsplash

The rain opens with a growl-

a grave undone-

a sound like the grinding of stone doors.

My heart sparkles only after breaking.

From my wrists

the blood slips by pure and unnoticed.

This is how it should be.

–

It’s almost impossible to penetrate a vein.

I know because I have tried.

Deep down it must be

that I want to go on with my life,

to bask in its freshness,

in the cause and effect of moments

I have not come to recognize as important.

–

There must be value

even in the ghost of a man,

in the shadows trampled underneath my feet,

in the dullness of a process that does not cease

even when my own mechanisms have ground to a halt.

Life isn’t nothing.

There are always contents.

–

I tilt my head back and let the torrents

wash the expression from my face.

To drown in the great outpourings

of my beloved and effusive mother.

There is solace in the ordinary,

in the capriciousness of weather,

in familiarity of a bruised and triumphant sky.

–

MLMM Wordle #365

Midweek Review “The Cat’s Pajamas”

Three things I am grateful for that happened recently

1. Aquaerobics

2. Spillwords asked me for an interview.

3. Tax Refund

Emotional Climate:

Jarringly Lonely

Random Object:

Little Black Book

Color:

Fire Engine Red

Tarot Card:

Empress

Random Question:

Is your strange showing?

Advice:

Wear pajamas whenever you can.

Departed

Photo by Mathias Reding on Unsplash

The months are long,

they trickle not as sand in an hourglass

but as stalactites of ice,

voluptious, languid, bitterly cold.

I do not remember you every day

but some days

I can remember nothing else.

If I repeat you

and the mistakes of my life

it is because the space left in your absence

is too great.

Is it a mistake to occupy?

To switch the object

of one’s attention

when nothing can become of it?

–

Lopsided conversations

and instincts snuggled with disaster,

no one ever speaks of options.

There is only the having and the not having.

What becomes of a love

that cannot find its mark?

They will not leave me

these wistful, decadent dreams.

They kiss me each night

and each morning they rise up

forgetting that you are not here.

Do not leave me with the world.

This world which is in the process of forgetting you

is no place for our love.

Weekly Horrorscopes

Image by Oleg Gamulinskii from Pixabay

Aries– Don’t look under the stairs. Seriously. You do not want to know.
Word(s) of the Week: Conversation
Taurus– Missing time? Sounds like you might have a time thief.
Word(s) of the Week: Instincts
Gemini– What if you were your own evil twin?
Word(s) of the Week: Options
Cancer– A castle built of shrimp will probably be eaten.
Word(s) of the Week: Snuggle
Leo– Choose your battles wisely.
Word(s) of the Week: Lopsided
Virgo– If your heart’s not in, is it worth it?
Word(s) of the Week: Leave
Libra– Pants are overrated.
Word(s) of the Week: Love
Scorpio– Venus is the only planet that spins clockwise.
Word(s) of the Week: Months
Sagittarius– Spill your guts. Not literally.
Word(s) of the Week: Wistful
Capricorn– A shrimp’s heart is in its head.
Word(s) of the Week: Switch
Aquarius– Delegate. Delegate. Delegate.
Word(s) of the Week: Kiss
Pisces– A dream is a beautiful thing.
Word(s) of the Week: Dream

Options

1. Use the Words of the Week to compose a poem or short story.
2. Use one or more of the fake horrorscope messages as inspiration for a poem or short story.
3. Combine steps 1 and 2 for an extra challenge.
4. Design your own version of the weekly horrorscope.

Catharsis

Options

1. Self portrait
2. Confessional Poetry- “focuses on the real-life experiences and history of the poet, including emotional and psychological trauma, and bridges the gap between poet and speaker of the poem.”
3. A diary entry
4. A letter to self
5. An autobiographical story or essay
6. And finally if a theme is desired then your theme this week is: Tantrum

Enmeshment

Photo by Jakayla Toney on Unsplash

Recently I heard not one but about five different podcasts discussing OCD. My family (mother, cousins, daughter, ex husband) have all identified me as such many times over the years but I do not think I ever really understood it. I am not sure that I fully understand it even now but I believe I understand it better. I have always struggled with intrusive and repetitive thoughts. Some of these thoughts are violent and extremely distressing. I have a tendency to repeat myself in conversations. I don’t always catch myself but when I do I still feel the need to finish the story or train of thought even though I have already shared it. It is rare that I check doors or the stove. It happens. I have even sent other people to check when I was unable. But that only happens sometimes and everyone can forget sometimes. Some people would say I compulsively clean. I wouldn’t say that. I can be very messy. I can go months and months without cleaning if I am too overwhelmed but if I do clean I tend to get too intense. I am a perfectionist but the sort that never gets anything done because they are worried that it won’t be right. I study languages by myself and then refuse to speak them or write them to other people. Because what if I sound stupid? Or make a mistake?

The weirdest thing I do and probably the most damaging to my relationships is that I involve other people in the compulsion. I have to say goodbye and I love you. I have to have a goodmorning/goodnight text or verbal acknowledgement (It rarely works to call. It has to be in person or through text.). If someone says they are going to meet me at such and such a time, they have to meet me at such and such a time. If they are spending the night we need to sleep in the same room and go to bed at the sane time otherwise I just cannot sleep. I can sleep alone if no one is there and no one is supposed to be there. There are a whole bunch of other automatic things I will say to the person. Usually compliments or declarations of love. The same ones. I have to say them. I have to hear certain things in return so that I know everything is okay.

So what happens if the other person does not participate? Everyone can get irritated by an unanswered text or a friend who shows up an hour late but not everyone can have a full on nervous breakdown if someone forgets to respond to a goodmorning text. What does a breakdown look like? It is not pretty. It is actually horrifying. These breakdowns have gotten A LOT worse in the last two years. There is crying and screaming as one might expect in a good-old fashioned tantrum. There is text bombing and obsessive phone calls. Self harm is often involved. I have missed work. I sometimes get naked and go outside. WHY?! I talk to myself rather than the person, not at first but after a while. I shut down/collapse/rock/sob. I convince myself that the relationship is over. I might even try to end the relationship. Chaos. Utter chaos..

At first I wondered if I was just trying to manipulate or control the other person because my first thought is always that I am a horrible person but the truth is in those moments all I feel is absolute terror. It feels like my whole world is collapsing. I feel like I am dying. A lot of these things are simple things (say goodmorning) but for me these simple things literally seem to be holding my soul together. I do not know if this is a version of OCD or if it is PTSD or Borderline or something else. I just know that there is a pattern. That the more distressed I am the more I repeat myself and the more I need to do these things. I feel infinitely sorry for the friend who is on the receiving end of these compulsions. I do not do this to everyone I know. Only the people who I am closest to. Which usually means there is only one person on the receiving end, which is still too many. Usually it would be a relationship where the boundaries between me and the other person are just not there. I simply cannot tell this person from myself so I treat them like myself and involve them in my compulsions. The person likewise cannot seem to tell us apart and also tends to be very needy and demanding. It happens in relationships that are deeply enmeshed.

Wise Words

Outside the Lines

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

You won’t find

comfort in my words,

in the volatility of truths

rarely exposed in the waking hours.

We are made homeless in our travels,

in the screeching estuaries

of a million unforeseeable births.

–

I want to slide into you

like a pair of designer jeans.

The more it costs

to be next to you the better.

We compare sizes

and in the dulcet tones

of sunrise we are allowed to forget.

We are allowed to compromise

even on the basics

because the price of a life

without love is just too high.

–

Obsession is a pretty word

and for those sick with love

a risk can act as a fuel.

I want to eat the stars

dancing over our heads.

When the lights are low

and the darkness is panther sleek

do you think of my silhouette

sliding between your hands?

–

Tell me that the dawn

is its own kind of insurance

and that I don’t need

to purchase madness from a bottle

because it is already inside of me.

I will not be outdone

but you can undue me.

–

I want to color you

outside of the lines.

To make a perfect mess

of your imperfect self.

One by one I am pulling

paper airplanes out of the sky

because sometimes love

comes creased like origami.

Sometimes the deepest lines

remind us that we have lived.

–

Everything I need

exists within my own mind

but still I want to turn you inside out.

To see your foreign places.

To be the one

that troubles and reveres you.

It’s none of my business.

Your life and mine

overlap only in the broken places.

–

In my dreams

cars always travel in reverse.

One minute you are there

and the next I am a passenger

speeding towards disaster.

When the time comes

promise me that you’ll let me win.

Promise me that our moments

won’t repeat or congeal,

instead let them carry on and on

like the wind.

–

MLMM Wordle #364

Midweek Review “Llamas are Love”

Three things I am grateful for that happened recently

1.

2.

3.

Emotional Climate:

Random Object:

Cell Phone

Color:

Liquid Amber

Tarot Card:

7 of Cups

Random Question:

What did you have for lunch on March 4th 2019?

News:

Llamas have taken over the government. Sources are hopeful that the llamas will prove more effective than the politicians.

Karmic Dread

Photo by Julian Schultz on Unsplash

How ancient the dread,

the karma which mischief makes.

I topple, the intractable ego,

the great dawn-bringer.

I repeat myself,

my mistakes, my terrors

they sit upon my diaphragm

as audacious as a robin’s song.

The land scorches my feet,

the blackened footsteps,

the great ashen circle of a woman

spinning herself to death.

–

Not all rumors are false.

There is a certain celebrity

that comes with absence.

I am unavailable but lonely.

It is all in the curve of the neck,

the rigid panic

of a woman whose life

does not breathe.

I can smell the spiders

their spindly legs rising up

in the back of my throat.

Their silent triumph,

my tragedy.

Soon they will leave me

and I, in turn, will fall formless to the earth.